As we get older, as our lives become more complicated and layered with friends, family, children, work, homes, it becomes easier and easier to stop telling the truth. Many of us turn to blogging in order to find and express our true selves in a way we are too afraid to venture in real life. The smiles and weather-discussing and mama-shop-talks are no substitute for deeper relating, even with our spouses, those we are supposed to be closest to in the whole world.
And that’s the crux of the issue: As we grow older, as I’ve gotten older, my list of ways I’m supposed to be seem farther and farther away from what I truly am. This disconnect, between the inner and outer person grows into a dead zone, a covering up of the passionate heart, the filming over of dreams and zest for life. Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?
For some, the moment of truth - the realization that one’s life is becoming an out-of-body experience - comes during the 23rd hour of work on the 7th day of the week. For others, when they realize their family is not their family after all, but a poor substitute… something less than they deserve. Still others, fight the inner fight truly and deeply and face inexplicable sorrows along the way.
When other bloggers are honest about their struggles and self-doubts, it always strikes me as so beautiful, so courageous, so heartening. But isn’t it funny how we can pour out love on others and leave only a small pittance for ourselves? Deep breath. Here goes:
My Truths:
1. I focus on my children so that I don’t have to focus on my faltering marriage and on my less than super-mental health.
2. I sometimes drink too much in order to vault myself to another space — one less rife with self-doubts and haunting questions about love and fidelity.
3. I neglect self-care in order to make sure I work hard enough so that my children will have what they need. I’m an outspoken advocate for my women friends getting what they need, but often do absolutely nothing for myself.
5. I am loved deeply and needed by many people, but I do not have a significant relationship in which I feel truly understood and in which I feel free to speak my mind.
6. I dream of having a happier lust-filled primary relationship and I’m petrified I might not be able to get there from here.
If buying a camaro, growing a pony tail, and getting a young girlfriend is a male version of a midlife crisis (cartoonish but still), what is a woman’s version? Angst and 1pm glasses of wine? Seems like a rip-off to me. I’m going to have to do something about that…
-Rachael
Oh my god, darling. I don’t actually know what to write because I’m shivering and wrenched with the truth of it all. I am so angry that I am succumbing to the quiet desperation that I always swore I would not live. I swore it on books of poetry, under the stars. What is this that is happening to me? Where am I in this swirling whirling life I have?
I can’t really write because I’ll just cry words onto your blog. Will come back later and see if I’m more coherent (though I doubt it).
with love, admiration and affection –
This is brave as hell. So, where do you go from here?
Kvetch wrote a lovely comment before the domain transfer went through… Here it is and thanks everyone for your kind words –
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Comment:
Rachael, Do you know how many women can’t even pinpoint what is wrong? I know it sounds cliche but knowing what you want and need makes you closer to figuring out how to get it. I don’t know what brought you these realizations, if it was a trickle or a fucking brick to the head, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not easy to get from any here to any there — I would say (because you asked, NOT) that you have to pick apart these problems and issues and find one teensy tiny place to make a change. And if you can’t do it alone, get help doing it. It’s never too late to find your way - and your path may change a million times along the way. After too many trials and tribulations my mantra became ‘you only get one trip around the block.’ There are no do-overs, no trackbacks in real life.
Go for it. You are farther along than you think.
i can wholly, wholly relate to #3
Dahhling.
You realize this post is like finding out the coolest girl in school cries herself to sleep at night too?
I’m with flutter. Brave to be truthful to yourself, and then share it.
This is so brave and beautiful, like seeing a woman just after giving birth. I hope you find what you are looking for, and that you take care of yourself while you look for it. Peace to your heart.
Been there. Digging my way out of it now. Not all ways are as drastic as mine, and its true that knowing what you want is more than half the battle. Way more. Usually it’s “I just don’t want THIS”.
Here’s something: yes, there are things about yourself that you would like to change, but realize that you truly are perfect, right now, just as you are. How could it be otherwise? It’s true that you are on a journey of transformation, we all are in every moment, but remember that each moment is a snapshot of that journey and each moment is in and of itself perfection. There is no way for you to be other than this and there has been no other path to get here, and nothing in life is wasted. It ALL has meaning and it all has worth and it all is a tiny slice of your own truth.
So keep thinking about where you want to be and what and who you want to be while remaining in the present (there’s nothing like children for bringing one to the present), and soon enough you will be where and what and who you wish.
Much affection,
I applaud your courage…this post is amazing. The fact that you wrote number three makes me feel so much more…not alone.
I think it can all be overwhelming….see my recent tales of woe.
I think too that we have take things in small baby steps…focus on the little things we CAN change…ask ourselves what EXACTLY is bothering us about ____. Ask us if it is something WE can change within ourselves or is it an outside force that we need to rally against.
Is it all wishful thinking or are there real things we need to take care of in our lives? Is it a case of greener grass or something more serious…
As the great commenters said above..it is all a journey…we are always changing and evolving….it is part of being a human.
I second what Crunchy said.
Moving post.
And very, very brave.
Holding out a hand from across the way. And, yes, that is a margarita in it.
Man, I would love a mullet…
And a red Porsche to match.
I have to admit, after reading this post I said out loud, “Holy shit!” Thank you for your bravery. And for your introspection. This means more to me (and probably to a lot of other readers) than you can know.
I found this post more comforting than you can possibly imagine. Thank you for sharing such intimate self-revelations. Still searching for that kind of bravery in myself.
Whenever Bossy reads the words “When we get older” she feels a sudden need for a tube of Ben Gay. Maybe it’s because Bossy is rapidly approaching “older”, on a racetrack going 100 miles per hour.
SOOO overwhelming. I think all of us need another meeting where we talk about our lives and not about blogging. Redsy, I related to too many of your items — we didn’t get enough time to talk this summer. It’s 3:10 p.m. — too early for Chardonnay?
I especially relate to number 3. And I’ve so been there on number 6. And I have to agree that realizing what you DON’T want is more than halfway to getting what you do want. What you wish for with number 6 can happen for you. I wish you luck and much strength in getting there.
I used to think that the key to making it through was to harden my heart. When I read your blog, it reminds me that it is the people like you; the brave and sensitive ones that really deal with life. I’m proud of you.
Is there such a thing as a midlife pull-it-together/un-crisis? I feel like I could have one of those when I read posts like this. Lovely.
Props to you for telling it like it really is in your life, Redsy. There are so many mom blogs out there purporting to do that, but all you ever see on them is cliches and chipper anecdotes regarding their kids’ wisdom. I think we all do each other a service when we blog truthfully regarding how utterly tedious and frightening it can be to live the domestic dream. Else we’ll all end up as characters in the novel “Revolutionary Road.” The great novel of domestic misery. Probably not one to read now, though, so why are you bringing it up Crabmommy, you insensitive clod?
Probably you should get you husband to read that post…if it doesn’t freak him too much it would, perhaps, be a step forward on that end.
I can certainly see from that post that you are a darned good mom, and I’m afraid the Crabmommy is either stealing from her toddler’s piggy bank or thinking about her own potentially ruined vacation when the tot sprains her leg on a trampoline. Basically, I’m the selfish, whiny mommy so if you want to feel good about yourself do stop by sometime. I have been known to buck up other moms’ self esteem considerably. Best of luck.
Very brave. I can relate hard to #1 and #2. You do strike me as the kind of person who can come out of this behaving ethically and kindly to all concerned. Especially yourself.
Your honestly and clarity are beautiful. Your courage in posting this is amazing.