One thing about going to meetings with other people in recovery, you certainly are given plenty of food for thought. Sometimes it’s a bit much, but then it’s leavened with laughter and hearty joking and all is well again. There was much discussion last night about one of my greatest challenges as a mom: fighting the tendency to protect my kids from all pain and anguish. Since I can’t even bear it when they say they’re hungry (for the fifth time after they declare their dislike for dinner), I have a long slog on this one…
Last night a woman shared her recent news: the father of her kids (who are in their young 20’s) has recently been diagnosed with brain cancer and has only weeks to live. She shared the hell of watching her children grieve and being unable to take the pain away. I sat there completely immobilized by fear. If I cannot stand watching the girls get their feelings hurt, how would I ever bear something this terrible? Nothing like borrowing trouble to keep one in a constant state of anxiety and angst.
One of the seasoned codgers weighed in with this gem: We are here not to protect people from their pain, but to help them sort through it. To love them and support them on their journey — but not to take that journey away from them. And I felt my shoulders drop, took a deep breath, and thought “yes.”
I drank too much and too often largely to kill off all the huge feelings — the unmanageable feelings of motherhood — personhood — and it’s a common story in the Halls of these meetings. Sensitive people cannot stand what life presents them, so they slowly try and douse the emotions –not realizing they’re also making joy and happiness impossible as well.
Looking around the rooms at the faces and listening to the stories, I’ve never felt so included… so represented by similarly afflicted spongy hearted wanderers.
What about you? What’s your philosophy of protecting your loved ones? Karen asks this question over at Strollerderby today
#15
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Meanwhile, have you checked out the League of Maternal Justice yet?
It’s amazing isn’t it? I was always blown away by how I could sit in a room with people who before opening their mouths I was sure I would have nothing in common with. And then they would begin to talk and it was like they were in my head. And boy those old codgers are worth their weight in gold..
i’ve been to many a recovery meeting in my life (long story, part of my work w/ troubled youth) and had never seen as much grace, spirit, heroism and comradery as I saw inside those meetings. and the old timers, they’ve seen so much. their wisdom is worth so much.
Wow…I knew you were taking it easy on the wine, but I didn’t know you were going this route. Hooray for you! So brave. Bravo!
To answer the question of how I protect my loved ones:
I strive to listen well, to help discern between good and bad choices, and to be present in each moment with them. If I can teach by example then my kid should do alright whenever challenging, or even dangerous, situations arise in his life.
I’m glad to hear the meeting was great!
I wish I had an answer. It is terrible to see the ones I love in any kind of pain. Just love deeply is all I can come up with.
Jane, Pinks & Blues
It’s so true. It’s so hard to realize that our role as parents isn’t to block our children from experiencing any concievable hurt and harm, but rather to nurture and guide, and be there when there’s nothing else we can do.
My head knows that I need to help them learn to handle tough times and pain, but my heart still wants to make it all go away.