I received my 30 day coin the other day –to signify that I’ve gone 30 continuous days without drinking even one eensy sip of wine. It took a long grueling time to get to this point and several slips.. but I have the coin and I’ve been carrying it around and feeling proud.
It’s been a strange thing to try and write about — my daily attendance at AA meetings, my cravings, and longings, and dreams about drinking. Hard to believe I ever thought it was just a little evening ritual. Strange because at a very deep level it seems to have almost more to do with waking up, opening my heart back up, looking around and taking stock, than not drinking.
We fall asleep as the days go by… caught up in all of the daily busyness and go-round of meals and work and laundry and children. Some are incredibly lucky (or have naturally occurring seratonin) and can somehow manage to feel joyous and happy and grateful and awake. For most of us, I think it takes some sort of regular spiritual exercise.. some demonstration or daily reminder that life is short… what we have to give others is precious and unique. And that dropping out, zoning out, killing ourselves off bit by bit so that we’ll be passable, sale-able, acceptable to the adults around us is a huge mistake. A mistake for which many of us will pay dearly.
In the end it’s the amazing experience, often completely shockingly horrid, often lovely, of waking up… that has left me speechless and stunned. Every day there are moments I feel like a person who’s dived into icy ocean waters and the tingling skin and cold in my eyes is so close to unbearable I cannot tell if it’s pain or pleasure. But it is absolutely real.
But the scary part is I hadn’t grasped how asleep — dead to the world, really - I had become. And just think of all of the ways we have to shut down, tune out — it’s unspeakably easy to eat it all, watch it all, drip it all, drink it all away…
Our Deepest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure,
It is our light not darkness that most frightens us,
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
….
-Nelson Mandela
#31
Congratulations. You are brave, strong and admirable.
Keep up the good work, the prayers and the strength.
You are a hero for many, in your solitary struggle.
Oh Babe!! This is right on. I can only imagine how hard it was to write, and I’m blown away by it’s reality.
Thirty days is a good thing. I know you can keep going.
Congrats and good thought for you on the next 30 days.
thought = thoughtS
Good grief. That quote is amazing. I’ve been writing about fear of success, but had I known that quote, I could have just, well, quoted it and been done.
Proud of ya, Red.
*****
Re-reading this post, I realize that I have been writing about these topics pretty much everywhere I write. And that’s been the problem. I’ve been stretched too thin. I can’t even keep up with what I’ve been talking about.
Now I’m going to do the unthinkable and quote myself… “I want to simplify. Life is complicated enough. I can’t make everyone happy all of the time. It’s time I start disappointing some people other than myself.”
I’ll stop now before I begin responding to every single line of this post. Just love it.
Thank you so much for writing this. It is so precious to hear these descriptions coming from you while you are ‘in the moment’ of new sobriety. I really needed to read this today!
Is that a Marianne Williamson quote? I know I have it on some CD, just can’t place it…
So proud of you; so hopeful for your future.
Wow. Good for you!
I am so proud of you — not so much because of the coin, but because of your strength to do this AND to share it with us. And to inspire us to be more connected in our lives and not be as afraid as we sometimes are.
Big hugs.
You are an inspiration my friend. Don’t ever forget that. I’m here, cheering you on, over on the sidelines.
Smooches.
Congratulations, and what a wonderful and inspiring post. Thank you for sharing this.
Oh, Redsy.
Your words are so powerful and moving that they leave me wordless.
Congratulations, and thank you for sharing this insightful and inspirational post.
Very Proud.
You nailed it!
Congratulations and thanks for so eloquently sharing the new paths, thoughts and joys you find in the challenges of your days.
A lovely and brave post. One more day and it’s 31… 32.. 33.. etc.
Thanks for sharing.
Good for you, great that you have achieved your goal. Your future looks bright now that you are feeling things deeply again … take care
emma
xx
Good for you.
Btw, that Mandela quote is one of a handful I keep in my wallet, just to remind me what’s what.
This is huge. Congratulations, R.
xo!
OTJ
That is fantastic
My dad gave me his 1 year chip a few years ago, and he’s been sober for a few decades now.
You’re doing great.
Slow and steady wins the race is one of the mantra’s I keep in my head whenever I have a difficult journey ahead of me. You are on your road, go at your own pace. Winston Churchill said “If you are going thru hell, just keep on going.” I think there is a sappy country song out there about that too. ; )
Congrats on 30 days of sobriety!
Congrats on the coin! Great quote, and so appropriate!
All the best, especially through the holiday season.