We’re separating, which either means we’re resetting a bad cycle of anger and recrimination, we’re ending the marriage, we’re hanging on for dear life, or we’re merely hedging against inevitable divorce. The meaning and implications vary from minute to minute. The only clear thing is keeping life as regular and predictable for the three girls as possible, keeping them busy with school, and their familiar surroundings, and apart from the turmoil in our relationship.
There is no question in my mind this arrangement has long since become a source of familial anxiety and untenable stress. Add to that new sobriety and the usual challenges of raising three young children, and the family pot is boiling over, burning, and setting off screaming fire alarms.
Should our marriage ever recover from this and our family reconvene, it will be a heartening and inspiring story. It will give people power over their sense of futility and courage in the face of doubt.
But right now we have no such story.
B will leave for awhile, still seeing the girls regularly. I will stay with them in our house, which is warm and safe in the winter, spacious and light with pretty colors and double-paned windows.
I’ll watch them run around the kitchen island, the familiar pattern tracing an invisible path on the silly fussy hardwood floors. We’ll talk over the matters concerning 5 year olds at breakfast — the Christmas play, whether the tooth fairy will leave another $2, what they want for their birthday — and I’ll look at them closely and see this time as a flicker that I cannot grasp or cling to but merely watch float by, already gone. If I close my eyes and open them, they’ll be beautiful laughing 16 year olds rolling eyes and avoiding my presence, but knowing I’m there. They’ll talk on the phone, they’ll argue about curfew, they’ll treat me like beloved wallpaper.
But will they love themselves? Will they feel that they’re beloved? When I look at their sweet faces with small traces of their babyhood still visible around the soft chins and chubby hands, I can see that this is the most important thing I’ll ever do. That failure here will haunt me. I have been given these amazing girls.
What riches!
And how would someone treat such a gift…
I’ve so often joked and pattered on about the problems and challenges of parenting… the drag of it all. But in the last weeks, I really understand that all that hip chat is hiding the essential truth of my life today. I love my daughters more than myself. More than my husband. More than life.
But it is also true that I am completely blinded by the instinct to protect and could be overreacting and using this as an exit strategy for a marriage about which I’ve had ambivalent and negative feelings for a long long time.
Whether this is courage or folly will be revealed…
#44
once, when I was in a spot of similar shades to yours, I read that no matter how bleak and confusing this time was, that I was within a year of being te happiest I had ever been. In my case, it was true. I hope it is true for you as well.
I’m so sorry.
I don’t know about your girls, but I know that my father managed to make sure that no matter what else happened, I always felt loved, and beloved. I have never, ever questioned that. I knew because he was always there for me, a solid wall (usually to lean on) And this was in the midst of his alcoholism.
You can do this. You can find the right path, be it married or seperated. You’re strong enough.
I just wish you didn’t have to.
Sorry to hear about the possibility that you and B might split. But it may be for the best, only time will tell. Thinking of you. Hugs
I’m so sorry.
First of all, you’re way bigger than all that hip chat about the problems and challenges about parenting. You have too much heart.
Secondly, for all the ups and downs, I hope this separation allows you to see things in your relationship with B for what they really are and gives you the courage and strength to go forward with or without him. Give that time, because it will not reveal itself to you overnight.
Third, stay strong and know that you have friends who are pulling for you. I am one of them.
Lots of Love,
P
you brave, beautiful woman, you.
You are brave and I sense that you know what is right for you and your girls in all things that truly matter. You have my support and friendship. And even though we are on different coasts, I’m here if you need me.
And, of course, you’re right about finding ways to make our children feel loved and beloved. That’s something I missed out on and don’t want PunditGirl to feel that way when she’s a grown woman.
xxoo
Oh christonabike, I’m so sorry. Be extra proud of #44 through all of this.
Does it help that both my husband and I openly admit we love our son more than anyone else in the world, including one another? And yeah. I’ve had those moments of knowing how fleeting his childhood really is. I see it reflected most in my mother’s eyes when she’s with my son. Sad and sweet.
Wishing you a peaceful holiday.
Carry on, sister, knowing there are a lot of people behind you. I’m one of them.
Sorry to hear, sweetie. Be strong, hug the girls, and ride out the storm.
Sorry. I understand all the emotions you must be having.
I’m so sorry, my thoughts are with you.
Perhaps, with most things in life, it’s a mixture of all of it, folly and courage.
But mostly courage. The folly stuff just keeps us humble.
My thoughts are with you, along with my heart and awe.
now I am totally confused…although it’s extreamly easy to confuse me..is this before or after crank mother??? Are you possibly getting divorced or are you already divorced? I was divorced
when oldest son was about two years old and while tromatic at the time it was the best thing ever…I wonder if I would have the courage today but it was what I had to do at the time..
kids are so great and can bounce back from anything…Its so much nicer having happy parents rather then ones who have been forced into a situation of cordual co-existance..God Bless you whatever is happening in your life…Your a terrific person and this too shall pass I am so happy to call you a friend….Maun
You continue to touch me with your honesty. You are in my thoughts and I wish you peace.
I completely understand that drive to provide your children with a strong center upon which they can grow to be strong, happy adults. What happened that prevented us from ever getting there?
I’ve been missing you. I’m here if you need to talk.
It’s bound to be a worrying time but anyone with a heart as big as yours and your ability to look unflinchingly at what so many of us hide our eyes from, is a blessing as a mother.
“I love my daughters more than myself. More than my husband. More than life.
But it is also true that I am completely blinded by the instinct to protect and could be overreacting and using this as an exit strategy for a marriage about which I’ve had ambivalent and negative feelings for a long long time.”
—–
Wow. Awesome. That’s all I can say.
I am recently separated, have a 6-year-old daughter and we’re in Bham too.
Good luck, and take care!