I eagerly awaited my very first parent-teacher conference today. I dressed up and left work early to get there in plenty of time. I loved school as a girl.. books, pencils, learning, it still makes me sigh. I love the girls’ school — it is a private school in town with sweet uniforms and relatively small class sizes. And their teacher has “the gift.” She’s loving and goofy, and patient and kind… When I drop the girls in the morning I’m leaving them in loving and skillful hands.
I chirpily sat at the little table with the twins’ Dad and Step-Dad and Ms. D handed us the written evaluations. I should have heeded the funny feeling in the pit of my stomach when the teacher tipped her head and mentioned that “O. has been having some problems” in class. She’s been withdrawn, anxious, and obviously stressed out. I mentioned that O tells me she hates school, but that I thought it was sort of the normal adjustment period for kids who haven’t had much structure prior to Kindergarten.
There was a pause.
I felt the tears well up as she pointed out that it’s nearly December and adjustment problems aren’t probably what is going on here. My little sunshine quiet and withdrawn? How could that be? I barely registered her words. She asked if there was anything going on at home… and all of a sudden I felt like the world’s biggest idiot.
Of course she’s stressed and anxious and withdrawn! She knows things at home aren’t right. For some reason, I thought we could keep the kids in the dark about our struggles (I know. Stupid) and thereby protect them.
We put our heads together and came up with some steps to improve O’s school experience. But I feel like the woman who missed the train everyone else is on… In fact, I didn’t even know there was a train and that I was supposed to have purchased tickets to the thing.
I’ll do better here forward. In the end, that’s all any of us have.
#51
Yes, that’s all that we have–vowing to do better and being grateful for the chance.
I live by Maya Angelou’s words (or a close-enough quote thereof): You did the best you knew how at the time. Now you know better and you will do better.
It helps me remember to be gentle with myself and others.
When I was in Kindergarten I knew my parents were splitting up because they never kissed anymore. By the time my mom told me what was up … I was ahead of the game. It’s totally okay that you didn’t know she knew.
You’re doing the best you can. No one gives us instructions. I promise we’re not hiding them from you.
You just can’t always win. I told my kids’ teachers that I had been in the ER a couple of times, having some health problems, just in case it was affecting them.
And was met with rolled eyes.
Then a couple of weeks later, both kids grew so anxious and nervous. It was a delayed reaction, I guess.
They soak it all up, and we just do our best to shield them. But they just get it.
Smart buggers.
Better to have it all out in the open, I think. They can feel what’s going on anyway, no matter what you do to keep it under wraps. After all, it’s in YOU, isn’t it? Even then, though, there’s stress and adjustment. But being gentle with yourself is definitely the way to go. I’ve held myself together the past two+ years, plus the ten years of marriage before that, telling myself that it’s as much my kid’s paths as it is mine. Meaning that they’re affected by my choices, yes, but that they also have their own. And we’re all finally coming out of what was a pretty dark time. Frankly, I think you’re way ahead of the game already.
Ah Redsy. How tough. Oh it stinks to hear our kids are having a rough go. I mean, one thing for us, the adults to be, but we never want them to get it, and invariably, they do. My kids were really rough when I was so sick. You are listening, and doing your best. It’s good that it’s out there, and the adults in your kids’ lives are talking. You’ll work it out. You’ll get through it. Change and uncertainty are hard, probably the hardest thing, on kids. But with love and support you weather it and get a new confidence for life at large.
Good wishes to you.
Julie
Using My Words
Children aren’t fools. Not by any stretch…
A wise mentor once told me, “Don’t beat yourself up for being human.” Remember that. You’re a good mom, and you’re also human.
kids are remarkably resilient but also extremely “aware.” sending prayers your way for o. to have peace in her heart, to feel loved (as i know she is) and to be able to enjoy school. after all, kindergarten rocks!
You are doing great! I love the line in Meet the Robinsons, “KEEP MOVING FORWARD!” Also, something a neighbor used to say (his parents were therapists) which now makes such sense to me, I parrot it almost daily: “We’re making progress!”
Big kudos on your Work.