Settling. Sitting still. Reflecting. Pausing before speaking. Quietude. These states are elusive in the hustle bustle opinionated brain of a former CrankMama. And while she has known this since she was born, I took the long way and I’m not there yet. And if all goes well, I’ll never arrive.
I’m speaking now of not speaking. Of holding one’s tongue. Of choosing not to express every thought flitting across the warped transom of one’s mind. You know what is most interesting about this not speaking bit? It gives other ideas, other happenings, a chance to come in and unfold. When I make my mental monkeys stop jumping on my goddamn bed long enough to enjoy the quiet, wisdom can break through all the screeching. Not my wisdom really. The wisdom of something greater than me (and beyond that, hell if I know what it/he/she is).
Fighting, arguing, drowning one’s feelings, pushing them down, or letting them out in all their fiery irrepressibility is draining. Tiring. Depleting. And I never realized how much of my exhaustion was due to my junkyard dog routine (when you are an angry doggie, everyone and everything is a bone).
So for now, I’ve laid down my weapons of war, picked up a feather and a flower (just like Ferdinand) and am waiting to see what happens next. Me? Wait? Never before have I endeavored such a mad journey… and I get no credit for the idea. NONE.
And as they say, “more will be revealed.”
Today on Strollerderby: What does Britney Spears tell us about our fascination with horrible parenting?
interesting you would link Paige. I have often thought of her as someone who is incredibly well in control of her words. I admire her.
May you learn what you need to learn and find peace in the process.
There is so much to be said about the not saying….I promise you, the bite marks on your tongue will be well worth it.
Oh this is amazing. Choosing not to express every thought, settling down the mental monkeys. Awesome insight and point, and one I am working with now.
I hear you….
I am trying to breathe. To just take it in. To listen first. To listen to what is being said and what I am feeling or thinking about it at that moment.
I have such issues about my constant anger and irritation last year and the damage it no doubt has done….
I plan on making sure that never happens again.
Ah what you are describing is peace and the more of it you have the jhappier I am for you. Just don’t let silence engulf blogging!