Mamma Loves recently discussed the taboo of writing about marriage. Many people (rightly) shy away from talking about anything but the good things about marriage for fear of recrimination, causing needless pain to others, or good old fashioned privacy concerns.
But whatELVIS, some things need to be discussed, people! And there are ways of writing through the questions and doubts without betraying one’s spouse.
Those of us feeling like lost lambs in the wilderness need the help and camaraderie of those of you who seem like you know what you’re doing.
I think the stakes get higher when married becomes married with children (obviously) and I don’t know about you, but I get a HUGE stomach ache every time I hear of another marriage failing, another child or children embarking on the two house tango… It’s easy to assume or worry that other people’s choices are thoughtlessly undertaken.
And ever since becoming a mother, I have zero boundaries about other children. If a child 1/2 mile away falls and skins his knee, or falls off his bike or rides her bike without a helmet, my gut is stabbed clean through. And I’ll tell you, now that I’m wide awake the pain is acute.
In any event, raising children and being in love seem like two quite distinct activities. Two things that I’ve never personally experienced concomitantly… In my world and heart, you are either cleaning the floor, or having multiple orgasms… never/ rarely both (metaphorically speaking of course).
Maybe arranged marriages are smarter after all?
***
Incidentally, I now have 5 months sober. Thank you to everyone for your loving support. It is definitely finally getting easier.
Raising kids and being in love. I wish I could manage that. But the child-rearing saps everything out of me. But I want it back.
And five months? You go, girl!
Five months! So damned proud of you.
Thanks for writing about this. I knew you’d have a great perspective.
5 months! You should be proud. We are.
For some great marital advice, check this out. No, I didn’t write it but I wish I did.
http://derfwadmanor.blogspot.com/2008/03/newly-wed.html
I used to have a friend whose marriage was utter crap and had been from the start. They’d married because she became pregnant (hello, 1950’s?) and had apparently stayed together for years out of guilt or habit or something I couldn’t fathom; in the meantime, they had another “accidental” child. Loved her, hated him. They fought, they cheated, they stayed in it for the kids. Finally, after biting my tongue almost off a million times, I blurted out to her one day, “Do you really think you’re doing those boys a favor by showing them a hateful, dysfunctional, miserable pair of people as an example of marriage? Do you want them to grow up drunk and violent and hating women? You’re the semi-sane one; you have to save them. They don’t have anyone else. You know I know what I’m talking about. Look at me. Look at you. Look at the way we grew up. You honestly believe it would have been worse for us to have a one-parent family?”
So much for that friendship… but I don’t regret it. Since having Nora, I know even more surely that my first responsibility is to her. To the truth. To being healthy and honest and doing the hard things if I know they’re also the right things. To apologizing when I screw up and trying to avoid screwing up the same way more than a few hundred times.
I’m married to my best friend, my favorite person, my hero. I would leave him in an instant if I ever, ever thought he was bad for my girl.
Man, I know that zero boundary thing.
Five months, by the way - that’s a hell of an accomplishment.
Five months! Good for you!
As for the rest, I believe marriage for anyone, regardless of what they may say or blog, is hard work. I am convinced of that. And I still grapple with how to write about that without hurting anyone, violating any privacy, you know the drill.
On the one hand, I know it doesn’t help you because I have no answers.
On the other hand, maybe you won’t feel so alone to know that I, too, have no answers.
Hm?
I’m sooooo proud of you, friend. Five months is a huge accomplishment! Whoot!
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I know where I came from and how my parents marriage was/is. And I do not want my children to have to endure that type of pain.
Plus it helps that my husband is really hot.
And he digs me.
Goes a long way, I swear. Prevents me from killing him when I find his dirty socks balled up in the corner for the billionth time.
The hardest part of marriage is that as the years pass you see yourself ever more clearly. The mystery for me is that as my flaws get more patent she doesn’t just jump in the car andhea for the hills.That must be that love stuff.
Congrats on the 5 months!
I agree with Moobs. In a deeply committed marriage (where both parties are deeply committed to making it work), I think it works like the world’s biggest honesty-mirror. There you are, with all your wonderfulness and ugliness, altogether, and it comes back to you every day, in one way or another. He sees my best, my most beautiful and confident and also the weak, bitchy, self-centeredness (and I see all of his stuff, too).
But for me, parenting is like a different variation of that same mirror. Especially at this age (toddler), my daughter seems to be watching me like a hawk, absorbing it all and when I least expect it, reflecting back to me parts of myself (both wonderful and not-so) in ways that do not allow me to deny where she got such behavior. If I’m in a sunshiny mood, I hear the little giggle slip from those sweet lips, and if I feel the crankies coming, I also see (or hear) the repurcussions in her face, mood, etc.
Because of these mirrors (or maybe in spite of them), I find myself deeply in love with both my man and my daughter. I find myself falling more in love with him as I see him grow and develop as a father, and I love to see (several) of HIS personality traits being reborn in this perfect little girl that we’ve created together. These are the good things. These are the things that get me through nights (weeks?) of tough parenting. And the lack of romance does take its toll. But as we two get better at being parents, I think we are also getting better at being partners to each other.
But never, for one second, do I take it for granted that this happens because we both working towards BOTH of those goals.
I think [one of] the [many] mistake[s] I made when married oh these lo, may times, was about holding a certain expectation about what marriage is, exactly. And I am finding now that there are *many* permutations of marriage possible. It takes, though, communicating with your partner about what your expectation-set is, what theirs is, and at the same time allowing room for constant change. It’s a dance, most certainly.
And the best advice I am giving myself these days (being decidedly UNmarried at the time helps) is that marriage, and any relationship, works best when each partner is at all times as true to themselves as possible. For me, this means no more hiding myself behind what I thought someone else wants. It means having the courage to really be ME, and to find the me I let go of so long ago, and to trust that it’s a good thing.
Same goes for kids. I am not the same mother I was 6 months ago or a year ago or five years ago. And they are okay with that (now, anyway). It’s all a dance.
I think even the best marriages are boring/monotonous 80% of the time. It is getting through the boring bits that is hard. One has to keep remembering that some days it really is back like being in love/lust. But not all or most of the time.
R, I agree writing about marriage is tough, and I tend to avoid writing about my own even though I am a family reporter. I also agree there is little time when raising children for marriage. It takes a lot of time and work, and even then there can strain.
I also learned and believe there is rarely any benefit in being right in a discussion when you are married. It is far more important to listen, it’s just not always easy.
Congratulations on five months, that is both fantastic and impressive.
Congratulations on five months! That’s wonderful!