The thing about recovery is that we’re all in it. Recovering from something. Bad childhoods, bad clams, bad breakups, bad timing. But we’re also recovering from self delusion. When we get lost in the scary woods of our own minds, we make bizarre claims about what we need and where we’re going (”Honestly, this job is great for me! Yes, it’s in the middle of Antarctica and it’s minimum wage, but they give you your own winter jacket!”). Whether you’re talking to an imaginary executioner or judge, this self-justification can create a whole mess of wrong choices.
Anne Lamott talks about KFKD radio — that self-loathing noise between our ears that keeps us hunkered down in isolation and waiting for Godot.
I’ve been trying to find the courage to be myself for awhile now. Finding the True North inside and trusting that it’s right and good. Not hiding away, tamping down, lowering the volume, or turning it up to screeching angry volumes. True North. That place in each of us that sits back on soft pillows and sighs knowing that all will be all right in the end. Even though we’re turning 40, our marriages are a mess, our kids will grow up and leave us, and the house isn’t selling.
KFKD radio tells us that everyone is more important than us, that we don’t deserve happiness and peace, and that we can’t write our way out of a wet paper bag and should just be a secretary somewhere since all we’re capable of is answering phones cheerfully anyway.
I used to drink to drown out that station. Now I pray. And go to meetings. And love my kids like they are my bones and blood. But it’s all such a mess. Not a beautiful mess (yet) but I’m hoping one day at a time it soon will be.
But this is all so depressing, so I must also say this. I’ve never had this much serenity in the face of so much struggle. And honestly, if that isn’t recovery, I don’t know what is.
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On the lighter side, Are you a very serious parent?
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I think one of the tenets of recovery from anything is to take it day by day.
What I like to see here, my friend, is the way that you’ve admitted you need to recover and find that True North. And you’re doing that, little by little, day by day (which, I believe, is one of the tenets of recovery).
Life isn’t perfect. But from what I can tell, you’re getting up everyday and doing your damndest in spite of it all. And that’s all anyone can do.
It will get better. I know this.
Hi Rachel. I haven’t posted in a while, but I do check in. I love this post because it speaks to those of us who are trying to be real with ourselves. As we leave our houses everyday to see all the smiling faces with the facade of “having it all together” it just deepens our self-loathing. Its not until we are in those places where we are focusing on the here and now that we realize it’s all that matters. And just know you are not alone. There are SO many of us are struggling, but most are afraid to show it. I appreciate your willingness to raise your hand and volunteer your feelings and experiences for those of us who need to permission to exit the facade and join the here and now!
I love Anne Lamott. Just reading her words puts me at peace. Sort of like reading yours.
While I’m not typically spiritual person, I think letting go and riding the waves with hope is when I’m the healthiest.
I hope you know how incredible I think you are–warts and all.