Archive for the 'Because of God' Category

25
Apr

Dare

By Redsy 2 Comments
Categories: awake, Because of God, Be Married, Reds, Blues and Ask Me Something

Sometimes I feel like a transvestite trapped in a straight woman’s body. Heels? They should be high high high. Makeup? Sparkly, heavy, and colorful. And dresses? Yes yes yes.

There has been much talk on the ’sphere lately about women who deign to write personal things on blogs about their children, or feelings, or political beliefs… About how the act of creating art is so devalued and fetishised in our society that anyone who even dares use the word “art” or “muse” is chased with sticks.

Especially in a day and age where the Internet cloaks people in enough anonymity that they feel free to let loose their mean subterranean rage. Don’t believe me? Check out the rage this little opinion about $4 gas evoked…

Self-expression, whether sparkly gaudy makeup, religious beliefs, writing, or spouting opinions is a dangerous and necessary act. If one has the courage to speak from the heart, after the kids and the marriages and the mortgages tell us we better shape up and act like a lady (or at least act “mature), the pressure to keep it all tamped down is pretty strong. But let’s not fool ourselves, also scary as hell.

So today I dare you to do something that is from your heart. For you. Some small secret place you’ve been waiting to open up and tell someone about.

Do you dare?

If nothing else, go share her wonderful news!

21
Apr

KFKD Radio - Are You Listening?

By Redsy 3 Comments
Categories: Because of God and Reds

The thing about recovery is that we’re all in it. Recovering from something. Bad childhoods, bad clams, bad breakups, bad timing. But we’re also recovering from self delusion. When we get lost in the scary woods of our own minds, we make bizarre claims about what we need and where we’re going (”Honestly, this job is great for me! Yes, it’s in the middle of Antarctica and it’s minimum wage, but they give you your own winter jacket!”). Whether you’re talking to an imaginary executioner or judge, this self-justification can create a whole mess of wrong choices.

Anne Lamott talks about KFKD radio — that self-loathing noise between our ears that keeps us hunkered down in isolation and waiting for Godot.

I’ve been trying to find the courage to be myself for awhile now. Finding the True North inside and trusting that it’s right and good. Not hiding away, tamping down, lowering the volume, or turning it up to screeching angry volumes. True North. That place in each of us that sits back on soft pillows and sighs knowing that all will be all right in the end. Even though we’re turning 40, our marriages are a mess, our kids will grow up and leave us, and the house isn’t selling.

KFKD radio tells us that everyone is more important than us, that we don’t deserve happiness and peace, and that we can’t write our way out of a wet paper bag and should just be a secretary somewhere since all we’re capable of is answering phones cheerfully anyway.

I used to drink to drown out that station. Now I pray. And go to meetings. And love my kids like they are my bones and blood. But it’s all such a mess. Not a beautiful mess (yet) but I’m hoping one day at a time it soon will be.

But this is all so depressing, so I must also say this. I’ve never had this much serenity in the face of so much struggle. And honestly, if that isn’t recovery, I don’t know what is.

***

On the lighter side, Are you a very serious parent?

and

5 Frugal Living Ideas that Stink 

10
Apr

Today. 6 Months. Tomorrow. The World!

By Redsy 15 Comments
Categories: Because of God and Be Merry

Today I celebrate 6 months of sobriety. A life without alcohol was something I could barely comprehend only 1/2 year ago. I wasn’t holding a brown bag on the street corner (yet), but I was thinking about those glasses of wine earlier and earlier each day and they, not life, were becoming my reason for getting up in the morning.

What started as a muse to greater regenerating clever blather became a dependence. The funny tightwalk between levity and release gave over to a fall through a canyon of doom. There were hostages and legions of hurt people. The first were last and the last were made first.

I am so much less now than I was then, both in net worth and employment and pretty clothes and shoes… but again so much more. More available, more alive, happier than I can remember.

If you ever wonder whether your drinks or drugs or habits are a dependence rather than a treat, try giving them up for awhile and see what opens for you.

And if you ever wonder what becomes of a person who loses something in order to gain something else, you can come visit me. I’ll welcome you here and gladly show you around.

****

Read this beautiful thing and thank god, or God, or goddess that there is such a lovely person on this planet…

07
Apr

If It’s a Sin to Eat Milk Duds, then I’m Going Straight to Hell

By Redsy 4 Comments
Categories: Because of God, Be Merry and Reds

Let’s say (hypothetically) one quit one’s primary nonprofit gig to spend more time with certain offspring. At the same time, other freelance work dried up and one’s house was going on the market (it is pretty and fancy and was purchased back when Mommy had a full-time job).

If there were a Costco sized box of Milk Duds (emphasis on MILK, not DUDS, for you Brits out there), and it was consumed more rapidly than anything else remotely healthy, would one still be a loveable sort of person, or merely an obsessive eater?

If on the road of life, I were waylaid by a number of children and unemployment, would “Milk Duds” be an appropriate response to the question of “So how are you coping with these changes?”?

The world is a Very Serious Place. And from this angle (small children in tow, high on sugar, earning enough to buy one carrot and two lattes as a blogger), it all seems quite difficult to sort through.

And it could be that the sugar and the serotonin are teaming up to make it all seem silly and ironic, but I could go on like this for quite awhile longer and not mind one bit.

***

I don’t usually do memes, but this one is about books and requested by her (lovely, writing, pretty woman), so I’ll oblige.

Nearest book: Living Sober (it’s all nonfiction around here lately)

Page 123 & 5th Sentence, then Type Sentence 5-8

Here is the Excerpt:

Many of us have been amused at our seeming inability, even after many years of sobriety, to walk away from a half-finished cup of coffee or glass of soda. We sometimes find ourselves gulping the last swallow of a nonalcoholic drink, as if… Perhaps most readers already get the point: It is not always easy for us to put down an unfinished page, chapter, or book we are reading.

I’m not going to tag anyone but go ahead and do this if you like.

16
Feb

traveling heart

By Redsy 10 Comments
Categories: Because of God, Be Married and Be Merry

i’m in tucson arizona this week visiting my parents in their 55+ mobile home park. i’ve often declared my refusal to travel anywhere with young children, and while the flight here somewhat proved my point, and the cranky transition to a different crib was rough for v, a few days in we’re actually getting some rest and having fun. this landscape is so vastly different than my green, watery, rainy, cloudy home that it feels somewhat like mars. mars with piped in latino music and pinata parties in brown grounded parks. everywhere brown and hills and cactus (”pactus” according to v).

transitions abound at home… so getting away, achieving a change in scenery seemed wise.. if only for the novelty factor. i’ve always craved novelty but lacked the adrenaline need to jump from planes (as some like) or race the bulls in pamplona. change of scene usually fits the bill, and if i can bring my children along (where their fun with grandparents means i get time to myself), then i forestall that weird displaced homesickness i suffer from when i travel without them.

as it turns out, one can be quite a gypsy spirit and still be mother to three young children. this is something it took quite awhile for me to come to terms with. despite my sassy mommy lingo, i felt weird fighting wanderlust when they needed me so much at home.

they’re getting older now. older! finally! they can keep themselves entertained and even slightly fed (if necessary) and only one left in diapers. as i approach 40, 40 40 40 40 40 40!!!, i have some time to consider my options. will i travel to london? go with michelle to a spa? go on a solo retreat to a beach somewhere? will this pit of dread leave once the day and the age has finally been achieved?

for now, things in my life are stable. the children are happy. i’m getting moreso. the larger questions that have plagued me for so long sit in a sort of hibernation.. until my brain and spirit get clearer and stronger. i still have little to no understanding about what makes a relationship, a marriage, happy. but perhaps i’m not one of those who comes to these things by anything but the long way. i dream that someday i might be kissed by that particular bird of happiness. until then, i have a way of life that is good enough.. happy enough for me.

last week, i had the good fortune to visit my sweet college friend and her beautiful family in rhode island. here is a picture of a marriage that works… and i of course observed it closely… like an anthropologist… or an arctic explorer… or someone who hasn’t a clue.

lighter-bw.jpg

30
Jan

Confessions of a Hooky Playing Mama

By Redsy 1 Comment
Categories: Because of God and Every Mama Needs...

As an education junkie and lover of all things school, my twin daughters’ Kindergarten debut was all that we hoped. Their bright eyes and sweet little uniforms and overburdened backpacks signalled the beginning of an auspicious and successful educational career.Or so we thought.

Read more at Babble…

Also, what do YOU think about elective c-sections??

04
Jan

Hush Now

By Redsy 7 Comments
Categories: Because of God and Be Merry

ferdinand.gifSettling. Sitting still. Reflecting. Pausing before speaking. Quietude. These states are elusive in the hustle bustle opinionated brain of a former CrankMama. And while she has known this since she was born, I took the long way and I’m not there yet. And if all goes well, I’ll never arrive.

I’m speaking now of not speaking. Of holding one’s tongue. Of choosing not to express every thought flitting across the warped transom of one’s mind. You know what is most interesting about this not speaking bit? It gives other ideas, other happenings, a chance to come in and unfold. When I make my mental monkeys stop jumping on my goddamn bed long enough to enjoy the quiet, wisdom can break through all the screeching. Not my wisdom really. The wisdom of something greater than me (and beyond that, hell if I know what it/he/she is).

Fighting, arguing, drowning one’s feelings, pushing them down, or letting them out in all their fiery irrepressibility is draining. Tiring. Depleting. And I never realized how much of my exhaustion was due to my junkyard dog routine (when you are an angry doggie, everyone and everything is a bone).

So for now, I’ve laid down my weapons of war, picked up a feather and a flower (just like Ferdinand) and am waiting to see what happens next. Me? Wait? Never before have I endeavored such a mad journey… and I get no credit for the idea. NONE.

And as they say, “more will be revealed.”

#87

Today on Strollerderby: What does Britney Spears tell us about our fascination with horrible parenting?

13
Dec

Angels Among Us

By Redsy 9 Comments
Categories: Because of God and awake

my2angels.jpg First Christmas play, 6th birthday, 60 day coin. It’s been a wonderful week in Redsy-land.  Nana is visiting for 3 weeks and the girls are loving her extra attention and special goodnight kisses.  Despite the challenges of the past months, I’m reassured that my daughters are loved and adored by grandparents, parents, caregivers, and teachers.

They are angels.  They deserve it.

And slowly, slowly, each of us in our family is looking inward and finding the strength to ask for what we want, need, and deserve.  Whatever happens, this is what we’ve learned this year…

06
Dec

Softer

By Redsy 8 Comments
Categories: Because of God, awake and Be Merry

Hard to believe there are any edges left around here. What with the new sobriety, the daily attempt at spiritual practice (some days merely trying not to swear every other sentence or hate on slow drivers), I feel like a worn out old flannel shirt, dirty and tossed way down under the wet rags and muddy socks of life. Edges, those things that keep my vanity and pride humming along, can serve a purpose –a toughness in defense of precious littles, a determination and will to go on stepping, even through the concrete confusion of grimly long days. But it’s the softness that catches me by surprise.

Attending meetings daily opens my eyes to the beauty of softness. The edges all gone as people admit their foibles, their struggles, their deep dark shame. And I can see and love them for the brokenness and openness and humility without farce or false poise. They help me get over all the fighting words and fake courage of hip parenting, huge vocabulary-ed striving (well, almost).

And something else.

Softer is happier. Softer is relaxed and rested (and also admittedly weepy). Softer can be me and can be, sometimes for a flicker, okay.

****

Is there a link between clinging to our pre-parent selves and alcohol abuse?

And on a lighter note, seems the people can’t get enough of the push presents..

04
Dec

Enough.

By Redsy 5 Comments
Categories: Because of God and awake

What riches what riches and how many hearts have been given me for safekeeping. I am not sufficient to the task, but with help and as a conduit, I can be enough.

Welcome Morning

There is joy
in all:
in the hair I brush each morning,
in the Cannon towel, newly washed,
that I rub my body with each morning,
in the chapel of eggs I cook
each morning,
in the outcry from the kettle
that heats my coffee
each morning,
in the spoon and the chair
that cry “hello there, Anne”
each morning,
in the godhead of the table
that I set my silver, plate, cup upon
each morning.

All this is God,
right here in my pea-green house
each morning
and I mean,
though often forget,
to give thanks,
to faint down by the kitchen table
in a prayer of rejoicing
as the holy birds at the kitchen window
peck into their marriage of seeds.

So while I think of it,
let me paint a thank-you on my palm
for this God, this laughter of the morning,
lest it go unspoken.

The Joy that isn’t shared, I’ve heard,
dies young.

-Anne Sexton

#56

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