Personal change (revolution really) often gets foiled by this feeling of despair that I’ll never get where I’m going.. I’ll never feel rested enough, peaceful enough.. never anything enough. How could I get there from here? But then, something simple happens:
I tell the children that Mommy needs her alone time during shower and I lock my door. I. Lock. My. Door.
–thereby granting myself this simple gift — a peaceful time for personal ablutions and reflection usually overrun with breaking up fights, answering questions, and administering begged for lipstick swaths on sweet ruby lips.
What if they’re right that it all boils down to these small moments — these very small but crucial gifts to ourselves. Showers, reading time, walks (alone) to the mailbox.. help with preparing dinner. Wouldn’t that be miraculous?
What if peace and serenity didn’t require 5 days of silent meditation, ashtanga yoga practice, and vegan diets, or vows to never lose one’s temper? What if perfection (or near-perfection) wasn’t even an approximation of what was required?
What if we all vowed to do THREE SMALL THINGS for ourselves, out of love (not guilt, or resentment, or anger or exhaustion, OR oblivion) every single day. Would you could you for yourself?
#4
The evening’s dread approach no longer finds solace in thoughts of you… your chill clean sweet release.. your thoughtless escape from all the hurry-scurry. You’re no longer a friend, a secret buoy, a kind invisible force to bring peace. You’ve not taken everything from me yet, but I know you will. If I follow you where you want me to go — to a land of more and more and more…. to a place where just one is never ever enough, I’ll lose everyone I love.
But still it feels like a loss. A huge terrifying loss. Without you, I’m so much less than I dreamed I’d be. So much less. When a beloved friend visited this week, she who is still so free, I sobbed for the way I used to be. Before marriage, kids, jobs, life… How far below joy I’ve fallen.
Rebuilding and crafting change and renewal from this tangle of addiction and craving is so much harder sometimes than at others. When I realize how much I relied on you to get me through. How asleep at the wheel I’d become.
The novocain is wearing off now. I’m girding myself with new people and meetings and new rituals. I’m starting over, every day… Hoping to replace oblivion with real loving (self) kindness.
There are others like me… many others. Other women who are trying to love and reconfigure their lives so there is more joy, less hassle, less dead air ….
Whether it’s alcohol, or work, or sex, or kids, jobs, mortgages or in-laws… many of us have neglected to find anything more than mere pittances for ourselves and we’ve completely and utterly lost our way… Remember those wild hopeful girls we used to be? Let’s find them again. Together.
#2
